"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
