Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Life is so much better after having sex.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
