you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
