I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I feel like death gave me a hand job
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
