my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
