Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
