she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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