Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
