i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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