I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
you inspire me to be a worse person
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
