we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize