Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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