"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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