Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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