It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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