I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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