Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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