Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
