i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
