I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My ATM looks so different sober.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
