i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
