Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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