Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize