ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
