anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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