i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
