I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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