Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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