I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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