you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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