Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
