I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
