help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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