According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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