i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
