I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
