I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
