oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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