Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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