I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
