he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We need a shit load of segways right now
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
