I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
