Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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