dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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