well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
