forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
