he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
