the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
