So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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