I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
