Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
