I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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