I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
