so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize